I've been thinking a lot about the comment cgirlslife made on my last post about The Chariot. I have to agree that balance plays a big part in why it is coming up so much lately. I am lacking balance and try as I might, I'm finding it very hard to achieve. Its been a problem ever since I first moved to South Dakota. I still feel alienated here. I feel more out of place here than I ever have in my life. That may very well be my own doing, however I still feel that those I interact with have also played a roll. Maybe they sensed all along that I wouldn't be staying long and that's why they've stayed distant. I've lost track of the number of reasons for why I feel this way.
Were it not for the yoga studio and the friends I've found there, I'm fairly certain I would have packed myself and the cat back up in the car and driven back to Illinois by now. I'm so thankful for the yoga studio. It offers me a place to ground, a place to seek change in my life, a place to peel back the layers and re-discover my authentic self.
C has played a large roll in my staying here as well. We've been through a lot of ups and downs this past year. He's had an incredibly rough year and what kind of friend and lover would I be if I deserted him when he needs me most? I just couldn't do that, no matter how unbalanced I feel here.
I somehow feel like I left my authentic self in Illinois. Some where in that tiny studio apartment, nestled into a dark corner, she sits waiting for my return. I was at my best when I lived in that tiny room. I was centered, I was alive, I was home. When I moved out of the studio and into F&W's house I still felt at home. Mostly because they were two of the best roommates I've ever had the pleasure of living with. The three of us and the twelve cats were a family. A calm, loving, supporting family. I have a different family unit now. One that still works together and with love, but one that seems to lack balance for whatever reason.
I'm going to put out a couple of ideas here. And here's a box of salt to go along with them. You don't have to respond, and I might be totally off.
ReplyDeleteVersion 1) You said "they realized that I'm not staying" not "they thought I'm not staying" It sounds like you have one foot out the door already. And you need to put yourself first sometimes. You've helped C through the tough times, but now you need to focus on you. You gave it a good shake, but you can't allow him to pull you down with him. You don't want to spend the rest of your life regretting the time you spent with him.
Version 2) Imagine 15 years from now your niece said "Well, how could I possibly break up with my boyfriend after the year he's had?" What would you say to her?
Version 3) Relationships are hard. Especially at the year marks, and especially around Christmas time. There's a lot of "we're going to your folks...again" Plus, you're not just in a relationship, you're a partner and a mother. In many ways, the kid needs to come first. But maybe it's time to start doing Mystery School again. And maybe you can join me at Winterwitchcamp (winterwitchcamp.com) It looks like it'd be an 12 hour drive, but it's closer than DG.
And you haven't left your authentic self in that little apartment in Champaign. You did leave small parts of your heart behind, Jen's got some, I've got some, Jon's got some, there's a bunch of others. Also, you had time where you had to had nothing else to do but focus on yourself. And honestly, you spent a lot of time there waiting for C.
Relationships are a lot of hard work. But in the end, they're worth it. It's hard to find the balance between doing what you need and doing what your partner needs, but it's a great way to live.